Page Two: Dangers of Lemonade!
Page Three: Logan Didn't Run (Fast Enough)
Page Four: Fashion Column!
Page Five: Plague of the Cute!
Page Six: Party Gossip!
Page Seven: Something to Sing when You're Killing...
Page Eight: Christmas Song Contest! Enter Now!
Page Nine: Obituaries: May We Bow Our Heads.
Page Ten: Psychic Power Pranking!
Page Eleven: Early Christmas Article!

Page Two.

The shocking effects of lemonade!

Lemonade; one would think it a harmless substance, with aftereffects no worse than mildly insane behavior caused by high levels of blood sugar. One would be wrong. Lemonade can have harmful, and often bizarre, long-term effects on your central nervous system.

This reporter took it upon herself to find out just exactly what risk the average agent runs, when imbibing large quantities of this apparently “safe” drink. Armed with several buckets of lemonade and a volunteer test group of two only slightly inebriated agents, the experiment was begun.

The first test subject, agent Simon Jones, was placed in a purple room with green fluorescent lighting. He was then coaxed (gently and kindly, of course) to consume six pints of the soft drink in question, whilst a hidden radio transmitter played Mariah Carrey songs at a volume almost on the edge of hearing.

After a period of one hour he was removed from the room, and no ill effects were obvious. He appeared happy, if somewhat dazed, smiled, and answered all our questions politely. His partner, however – who also happened to be the other test subject – took one look at him before shooting yours truly a glare which could, by rights, be interpreted as murderous, then grabbing his arm and dragging him away, ranting incoherently. It must therefore be concluded that the symptoms exhibited by agent Jones were highly uncharacteristic.

This scientific study clearly proves that reasonable quantities of lemonade, imbibed even in natural, friendly surroundings, has detrimental, personality-altering effects on up to fifty percent of all consumers. The cautious are advised to stick to healthy, time-honored beverages like vodka, until further notice.


Page Three.
The highly Kharismatic Agent Logan!

Page Four.

The What Weapon? Column*

It's been a very exciting month here in the fashion world, as "industry goliaths" Saloon Gun and Bongo Bongo go "head to head" over last month's throwing-knife fiasco, reported exclusively here in the Multiverse Monitor. For my part, the "whole affair" reminds me of the infamous "pink sandals incident" during that glorious summer in '98, back when this reporter had just been hired by the Monitor, as it happens. Needless to say, a lot of Agents were seen going barefoot after that disaster! I hope that this season's replay won't have the same "ripple effect", as – and I'm sure the female Agents will agree with me here – there's no therapy more soothing than "kicking back" on a fictional beach with a glass of bubbly, the latest designer tankini, and a pile of well-balanced knives to hurl at passers-by.

One unhappy side-effect of this feud has been seen already: both Saloon Gun and Bongo Bongo have been spending more time in the court house than on the design floor, with the result that their November offerings are distressingly sparse. But once again, we find solace in the good "Davids" of the smaller companies. Though you'd be "hard-pressed" to refer to the good folks at Morningstar as small: their ambition – and their price tag – seems to have no bounds. They have "stepped into the breach", releasing not one – not two – but three hot new bestsellers into the eager market. You can now treat yourself to a funky pair of LEGO snow boots, or "slay in style" with a new range of genuine combustible phoenix-feather arrows that is simply "flying off the shelves"!

Most of all, though, I recommend their ingenious new "elf glare guard", which is guaranteed to protect your valuable eyeballs from the blinding glare of elves, 'Sues, elf 'Sues, and selected shades of urple. They're smart, portable and clip right over ordinary glasses or sunglasses. And, "as if that weren't enough", for a small extra fee each glare guard comes with a host of "to-die-for" accessories, including a Morningstar-label glasses case, and a pet fish which boasts a darling little spiked collar and multiple piercing. Yes, Morningstar have truly "cornered the market" this season.

Reported by Agent Aphrodite Brown

*The author regrets that she would like to print a retraction. The DIA does not exist. And Agent Justin Agent of the DIA was not "looking mighty suspicious" at any point, as he does not exist either. Finally, the Agent (who does not exist) insists that whatever it is they say about dwarfs, it's probably not true.

Page Five.


PPC HQ is suffering under a plague of furry vermin, causing hundreds of Agents to be admitted to Medical. The Multiverse Monitor reports on the HQ CRISIS!

The plague reportedly has its source in an End of University party thrown some days ago in RC 8.3145 by Agents Logan and Entropy of the Eclectic Subdivision of Advanced Species (ESAS) to celebrate their Author, Elcalion, finishing his Mechanical Engineering degree. See the social page for more details. During this party, a shipload of Kuribohs, small furry creatures that explode when touched, was released by Agent Shinra. Since then, a plague of Kuribohs has infested PPC HQ, and Medical is rapidly being overwhelmed by an influx of burns victims who couldn’t resist the cute temptation of the Kuribohs. Not since the Gizka infestation of HQ has there been a animal problem of this magnitude.

Agents Libel and Slander of the Legal Department kindly agreed to be interviewed by the Multiverse Monitor about the incident. “We don’t mind Agents having festivities. What we do mind is Agents unleashing plagues of potentially dangerous furry creatures in HQ”. Agents Libel and Slander are considering a class action of Agents harmed by the Kuribohs, blaming Agents Logan, Entropy and Shinra for the havoc. These Agents were not available for comment, although given the amount of alcohol consumed at the party this is not unexpected.

Agents are urged to resist the temptation to cuddle the Kuribohs, as the resulting burns may cause serious discomfort. A team of specially selected agents is removing the Kuribohs as quickly as possible, but it may take some time to eliminate the threat. Agents possessing stuffed toy animals are advised to be particularly careful that a Kuriboh does not inadvertently pose as a toy. Vigilance is the watchword until this threat to the peace of HQ is defeated.

Page Six.


If one thing is certain in HQ, it’s that PPC Agents enjoy a good party and the opportunity to engage in silliness, preferably fueled by alcohol. The recent party thrown by the Agents of ESAS demonstrated this to the full, and in this MM exclusive, we offer you the hottest gossip from the ESAS Party.

Despite a recent trend for fancy dress parties in HQ, the classic All-Agents BBQ is still alive and well, with many of HQ’s trendiest Agents making an appearance. Black remains the fashion of most, but Agent Twiggy Papaya was spotted in a bright blue ensemble, although it remains to be seen whether blue is the new black in PPC HQ. Past trends would suggest this is not the case, with black now setting a new record for most years as the “Assassin’s Choice” magazine colour of the year.

Agent Suicide was one conspicuous absence from the ESAS Party, to the dismay of many female Agents, but many other Agents did make the trip to RC 8.3145, and when this reporter arrived the RC was filled with wildly dancing Agents. The free-flowing Bleeprum and scumble martinis had a large part to play in this state of affairs, while the fare on offer was amongst the best of HQ, including Keily’s famous Poisoned-Apple Pie with Antidote Sprinkles and of course Rez’s Canon Cookies. Highlights of the party include Agent Logan tangoing with Agent Flip (despite Flip doing the cha-cha), and of course Eris’ delightful rendition of the Samba. The traditional drunken singing of songs about goblins and hedgehogs concluded the party in fine style.

Thanks to a conveniently-appearing quirk in the HQ architecture, RC 8.3145 temporarily gained a pool and hot tub for the duration of the party, and as the alcohol flowed, several agents could be found lounging in the hot tub. As several of these agents were male, this made up slightly for the absence of Suicide from the party for the female denizens of HQ, and several agents were glomped before the minis could restore order. Agent Logan (several Long Island Iced Teas worse for wear, it must be noted) was one of the casualties of the glomping, and is reported to be sleeping off a sizeable hangover. The MM has been able to obtain several photos taken just prior to the stampede (See Page 3).

The ESAS End of University Party is surely one of the highlights of the PPC social scene in recent weeks, and with the festive season approaching all of us here in HQ are looking forward to more parties. For if one thing is truly certain in HQ, it is that whenever there’s a party, there will be the Multiverse Monitor, HQ’s premier guide to fashion, cooking and social life.

Page Seven.
By Krystal

(To be sung to the tune of ‘Stupid Girls’ by P!nk)

‘Sues kill canon like that
The guys always act so flat
Oh so very perfect ‘Sues

I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues

Go to Middle-Earth, you’ll find them there
Bein’ so OOC all the canon people stare
Looking for a daddy to arrange their weddings
Stupid names
What happened to good original characters?
They’re pashing in Lothlorien with Legolas
Spending ages on dress descriptions
That show their itsy bitsy waists and their giant beach-ball breasts
Where, oh where, have the good authors gone?
Oh where, oh where could they be?

‘Sues kill canon like that
The guys always act so flat
Oh so very perfect ‘Sues
I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues
‘Sues kill canon like that
Flippin’ their blonde hair back
Urple eyes I want to hack
I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues

The disease is growing, it’s epidemic
But luckily there’s a cure
Though they’re a bit strange and probably crazy
‘Sues will not rule anymore!
The PPC are here to protect usBr> They will never give in
Boys and girls with murderous thoughts
That’s what I like to see!
‘Sues are all around
A too perfect world
Our only defence- are the PPC!

‘Sues kill canon like that
The guys always act so flat
Oh so very perfect ‘Sues
I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues
‘Sues kill canon like that
Flippin’ their black hair back
Urple eyes I want to hack
I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues

(Can we kill? Can we kill? Can we kill? Can we kill?)

Pretty magical-y ‘Sue
Silly little modern ‘Sue
Pull my hair I’ll kill you ‘Sue
Pretty magical-y ‘Sue
Silly little modern ‘Sue
Pull my hair I’ll kill you ‘Sue

‘Sues kill canon like that
Flippin’ their red hair back

‘Sues kill canon like that
The guys always act so flat
Oh so very perfect ‘Sues
I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues
‘Sues kill canon like that
Flippin’ their pink hair back
Urple eyes I want to hack
I wanna kill all the Mary-Sues.

Page Eight.


The Multiverse Moniter is holding a very special song contest this Christmas! In an effort to make the festivities more appropriate to HQ, we're offering prizes to those agents who can think up the best songs!

Simply rewrite a traditional carol to make the words suit HQ more, put your application into a plain white envelope with your name on the cover, and send it to RC 12! We'll sort through them, and the best entries will be published in the Multiverse Monitor next month!

Very special prizes to be won! Don't wait! APPLY NOW!!

Page Nine.


November 2006
Ironfoot— It is my sad duty to report that Sonic Ironfoot – brother, corn snake and friend – is missing, presumed dead. He vanished from his tank on the morning of Friday 3rd of November, and though every effort has been made to find him and or tempt him back with offerings of mice and water, as of Wednesday 8 th there has been neither word nor sign of him.

Sonic was a good friend to all, never failing to show camaraderie by twining himself about a limb or sliding into a pocket or down a shirt. His antics and 'never-give-up' attitude were an inspiration to all. Sonic had dreamed from a young age of achieving fame, practicing and mastering a variety of roles, from tree snake to rattlesnake, necklace to gunman. Though his body is gone, his legacy will live on, as shortly before his passing he had performed magnificently in a photo-shoot as the spokesreptile for a new antivenin kit. This just shows his versatility, as he was, in fact, a constrictor.

Sonic was more than just a pet: he was a friend, and will be sadly missed by his family, who at least has his many shed skins to remember him by.

Page Ten.

Things I am not allowed to use Psi powers for at the PPC

Many Agents, especially of those recruited from fandoms, have some innate extrasensory perception or other type of telepathy. In addition, some shapeshifting Agents can take forms with psi powers. These powers can come in handy from time to time, but must not be abused.
"Jedi powers are not for pranks." -- Luke Skywalker, I, Jedi
"This is the crystace they shall sheathe in my heart if ... I use these powers for capricious or selfish purposes." Part of the Sentinels' oath in Fusion Fire. Note: Punishment for infractions will not be so severe here, except where noted. Usually, the punishment for misuse of psi powers is being forced to sit through every last No-Drool video twice.


1: I must not use them on my LO to present the image of said LO's significant other.
2: I must not use them to make other Agents see things my way in an argument, however wrong said Agents may be.
3: I must not use my powers to make other Agents fall in love with me.
4: I must not try to telekinetically keep Bleeprin and purple stuff from exploding. I'm not that powerful.
5: I must not go through the Galactic Barrier from Star Trek. They will have to kill me to protect everyone else if I do.
6: I must not mind-meld with canons while on a mission. Cultural contaminations would be inevitable.
7: I must not send any Agent, Flower, or Canon, regardless of phobias, any mental images whatsoever unless absolutely crucial to my mission.
8: Same goes for speaking to any of the above telepathically.
9: I must not pull chairs out from under anyone (except perhaps Sues) telekinetically.
10: I must not unlock doors unless absolutely necessary.
-Especially bathroom doors.
-Especially when my LO is in the shower.
11: I will remember that I have limits and I will not waste energy, or else I will suffer the consequences.
12: I will do no harm.
13: I will be discreet.
14: I will not communicate telepathically with non-telepathic beings.
15: I will neither eavesdrop nor probe.
16: I will not directly manipulate anyone's thoughts or emotions.
17: Under no circumstances will I broadcast my emotions.
18: I will not do telekinetically what I cannot do physically.
19: I will not teleport when I can just as easily portal.
-Unless such drastic action is vital to the patient's recovery.

Page Elven.
(Should technically be in the December edition, but it was just too dang good and knowing me I'd forget! ~Starwind Rohana.)

As the season traditionally associated with gift giving and jollity approaches, the normal chaos of PPC Headquarters goes through a kind of lull. The sight of a new recruit, hair on fire, running through the corridors in terror, is uncommon, while the more usually stressed Agents have decided to take a break. Not only that, but winter also seems to send the Flowers That Be into dormancy, giving them less time to punish Assassins with cruel and highly improbable missions. Sometimes, if you wait until the time is just right, you may even catch a glimpse of that precious state called “calm,” punctuated (this being the PPC, after all) by the occasional Suvian scream. A fresh scent wafts through the air. Is it napalm? Bleepka? – No, my friends, it is Christmas.
Unfortunately, this is only a temporary respite. A new threat to Agents in every department is stalking the halls, and it sure doesn’t have interior decorating in mind. Recent reports are coming from Department Bad Slash and Mary-Sues in particular, both concerning the fresh outbreak of the Harry Potter canon’s most dangerous creation. No spell, this, or torture device either, though one could construe it so; instead, evil comes in its purest form, bringing terror instead of good cheer and giving extra weight to the Christmas lyric “You’d better watch out.” It is none other than the notorious... Fanged Mistletoe.
“You may laugh,” said a perturbed and blushing Agent Tothero, recently recruited into the DOMS. “But this is much more serious than it appears. The entire HQ may be in risk from this virulent outbreak of Canon creation. My partner and I ran into a specimen while walking through the halls, and... well... um...” His partner, Eve Lockwood, was far more blunt: “These things are nasty. Their sole purpose is to coerce innocents into – er – smooching. And they can get quite vicious if they’re not obeyed.” At this point, the blonde Assassin declined to continue, instead rubbing some ointment into her partner’s wounded neck, which was covered in small punctures. Clearly, Fanged Mistletoe are far more inclined to evil than their less sentient relatives in the genus Phoradendron.
According to some Agents who regularly patrol the Potterverse, Fanged Mistletoe is more of a fanon creation than anything else. “Fanwriters often use the regular mistletoe as a plot device,” explained one assassin, who preferred to remain nameless. “It has grown in popularity since its first appearance in Order of the Phoenix, and now is commonly employed as a cheap way to get the Sue and her canon character of choice to make out without having to find a suitable reason for it.” It appears that the awful plotholes that sprout up wherever this plot device is utilized have contorted it into a warped version of the original, Phoradendron malificum. Its habit is to go after unsuspecting passersby, wait until two of them converge, and then hover about, threatening to bite them if they don’t immediately kiss.
Reports of these coercive parasites continue to arrive, and no specimens have allowed themselves to be captured yet. When asked about the possibly negative impacts of Fanged Mistletoe on the public image of sentient plants, the Sunflower Official irritably replied with a mental, Don’t ask me. We don’t particularly care whether you maniacs are being forced upon each other by voyeuristic vegetation, just as long it doesn’t affect your performance. And stop writing that down.
However, even the reluctant SO may be forced to take action against the vicious mistletoe, which has claimed fourteen couples so far, only three of them actually in a relationship.
Will the SO stop this heinous flora from seriously disturbing the peace and holiday cheer? Or will we all be forced to make out with total strangers?! It’s up to the Flowers That Be to decide, and until then... beware the corridors.

A sample of Phoradendron malificum in its natural habitat, namely, right behind you and your least favorite person. Note the fangs.

(The usual editor's note: My gratitude is sent out in large amounts to Twiggy, Elcalion, Gillespy, Coffeecup, Krystal, Tawaki, and...anyone whom I might have forgotten. And, before I forget anything else...*Takes deep breath.*
More obituaries would be welcome. Twiggy's idea, and I think it's a good one. Agents who've died on missions...even for 'Sues if you're feeling perverted.
Anyone who wants to enter the Song Contest is encouraged to do so. Very encouraged.
If anyone wants to write anything --anything at all --for the December edition, it will be welcomed with open arms. My email is estelnar(dot)silverstream(at)googlemail(dot)com.
Have a good day! ~Starwind Rohana, editor.)