(Originally this, but Ariel did a better job.)See More Below!
Page Two: Agent Dafydd and his Many Women!
Page Three: Agent Suicide In Shower!
Page Four: Sunflower Official Found In Shocking Love Vase!
Page Five: Alarming Happenings On Saint Patrick's Day!
Page Six: Suemonia Outbreak In Cafeteria!
Page Seven: Department Revealed To Be Imaginary!
Page Eight: Agent Vanishes Under Paperwork! Suvian Sighted In Kitchens!
Page Nine: Three Most Creative 'Sue-Deaths Of The Month!
Page Ten: Psychic Column, Letters, And Editorial!
Page Eleven: Adverts For All Those Useful Extras! Swords! Knives! Bleepka!
Agent Dafydd and his Many Women
Exploits of HQ's Luckiest Agent
Dafydd Illian (DOGA) is HQ's luckiest male. Not only is he partnered with the exotic Selene Windflower, he also gets to go on missions with some of the PPC's greatest Assassins!!
In the seven (7) years since he joined the Protectors, Daffy has had a bewildering number of partners. In what must have been a disappointing first partnership – our investigations have revealed that he was quite a "ladies' man" even before being recruited – he found himself paired with Jared Calinson (DMS) for four years. It must have been torture! This reporter can only speculate on how he survived, but surely his role as High Priest to the Goddess GreyLadyBast cannot have been for purely "disinterested" reasons.
After being kicked out of his department for pyromania-related offences, Daffy started his own department, the Department of Geographical Aberrations, and was immediately paired with Selene Windflower. Can this have been the devious Assassin's plan all along?? No one involved is willing to comment, but this reporter sees it as very suspicious.
Not content with his single partner – who often returns from missions looking what one Agent described as "frazzled"! – Daffy contrived to meet Vemi Fincaran (DMS) while on a secret mission to the Discworld continuum (this mission is described as a "holiday", but our extensive research has been unable to discover the meaning of the term). Precisely what occurred there, we don't know, but it is recorded fact that Daffy was seen running from his RC to Vemi's shortly after his return to HQ.
We can only speculate, but surely this was his fleeing from a Selene who felt betrayed by his "working" with another woman! Daffy claims that he didn't know what room he was running into, but can this be the case? No! It cannot be coincidence that he ended up on another "mission" with Vemi.
Some might see these two strong-willed women as enough for one Agent, but not our Daffy. During the period when the PPC itself was infested with 'Sues, this dashing Agent managed to contrive relationships with not one, but TWO!!! of the 'Sues (the first doesn't seem to have had a name. The second was called 'Anerin'). Is there no limit to his talents??
Apparently not! He has recently been seen on missions with yet another female Agent. And not only missions - Daffy seems to be spending most of his time with Constant Sims, a dark-haired babe from the DMS. Can this be the start of a long-term relationship, or is she just the next in a long line of conquests for this sociable pyro?
This ill-suited pair – the tall, handsome Noldo and the short Human girl with a shorter temper – have been "noticed" together by many Agents. We managed to get an interview with Constant's partner, Steve Dimond (DMS):
"I was just trying to go back to my Response Centre when I found Dafydd already there. Now, I don't mind him usually, but when he makes me leave? That, I mind! I mean, Constance had this thing…"
Unfortunately for our readers, our supply of truth serum ran out, and we were unable to get Steve to expand on the 'thing' Constant was holding. What could it be??? Send your ideas to Response Centre 12 on a postcard!
What sort of relationship do Daffy and Constant have? Has Daffy truly changed his ways and "settled down"? Not according to him!
"Oh, they're nice enough, but you know how it is, you need to move on to the next quickly."
Does Constant Sims know that she's going to be left behind, like Bast, Selene, Vemi and all the others? Does she care? Is she just trying to get the best she can, while she can? Agent Sims was unavailable for printable comment when we asked her, but surely she must be aware of her "friend's" loose sense of commitment! The only question now is, who is next on Dafydd's list? Ladies, watch out – it could be you!!
(Via Huinesoron. Cue gratitude.)
Page Three. (Page Three awaits updating. We apologise, and will try to make sure we have everything for the paper before we publish next time.)(Probably from Tungsten_Monk, yes, we know how that sounds, no, it's not what you think.)(Update, April 8, now a picture.)
SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL FOUND IN SHOCKING LOVE-VASE!
The normally immaculate and faultless Sunflower Official, or SO as many call him, now has a foul stain on his pristine record.
Last Saturday (or possibly Sunday – hard to tell in HQ) the head of the Mary-Sue Department’s office door caught fraternizing with Flowers of no good reputation.
An unidentified patron has given us the juicy details behind his incarceration, as they were visiting the SO for no apparent reason. He or she (who would henceforth prefer to be known as “anon” instead of “he/she/patron”1) knocked quite loudly, indeed, on the door but got no response. Apparently, though, anon heard “muffled whispering and giggles... maybe some splashing too, you know what I mean? like there was more than one Flower in there, I dunno, it’s surprising the rumors you hear...”
After knocking again (really very loudly, I need not hesitate to add), anon opened the door by his/her ... own means. The sight that met him/her was stunning, so incredibly scandalous, that s/he instantly pulled out a camera and took several shots before the door was closed in his/her face.
“It was sooo weird,” anon said animatedly, as s/he discussed the matter with our reporter Bess E. Boddy over the phone hours later. “There was this huge vase made of glass, sitting right in the center of his desk. It was bubbling and frothing and stuff – one of those ‘hot-jars’, you know? And in the vase...” anon lowered his/her voice to a conspiratorial whisper as s/he related the details to Bess. When s/he was asked to repeat him/herself, and louder, s/he repeated, annoyed,
“It was him! The Sunflower Official! But he wasn’t alone. I mean, there were these really flowery yellow Roses in there with him. Roses like those...” anon paused for dramatic effect, “You wouldn’t catch them in a respectable nursery, is what I’m saying. Pretty low-class. But they were sitting in that vase with him and they were all laughing and splashing around. Wild, I thought. But then the SO caught sight of me and, well...” Our devious reporter had never heard such an eloquent silence. “The rest is history,” anon finished, satisfied.
Details on the story are yet to be revealed. Can the Sunflower Official give any reason for his dirty actions? Nay – the strictly private Flower had no comment, though Bess tried to interview him about his mysterious mistresses. The only response from his office after repeated knockings was Bloody tabloids. The Yellow Roses are unavailable for comment.
(Courtesy of Gillespry.)
>Madness on Saint Patrick's Day!
Many agents were seen today running about the halls of HQ with lethal pointy objects. 'Ah,' you say. 'A normal day, then.' But today is not a normal day! Today is, indeed, the most illustrious day of poking in all the pokedom of the year! (Except, of course, for the International Day of Poking, Jour de Poking International, which is always most boisterously and scrupulously observed by our dear armed agents.) On this eminent day, PPC agents everywhere not only poke each other with weapons, they have a wonderfully justified and uncontested reason to! (Except of course for the competition given by the JPI, an international holiday officially endorsed by the FIE.) On this magnificent day, agents carry all the pokey weapons they can possibly fit on their persons and are given over to kelebration and frivolity day and night, poking each other to various degrees of potential injury for the perceived fault of not wearing green!
Several agents were asked to tell us their feelings on festivities accompanying this most verdantly martial of days. "I think it's completely brill," announced a Department of Out of Character Hobbits agent. "I get to attack everyone with swords and knives, and I even get a completely valid yet completely frivolous excuse! What more could an agent ask?" When asked if the agent, who has specifically requested to be named and is of course none other than DOCH's own most prominent Agent Maly, often 'poked' others with the intent to harm, she gave us this reply: "Aw, nah. I wouldn't ever try to kill a fellow agent on purpose. The SO would have my head. I'm sure everyone I engage in the spirit of harmless fun will be out of Medical in a few weeks at most."
It is perhaps here significant to note that the uniform of DOCH agents is unique among the PPC. Instead of the traditional black, DOCH agents customarily wear yellow or green. Agent Maly's preference has notably always been green.
"I'll fight back anyway," announced Agent Sean, also of DOCH. "Just because Maly takes advantage of our natural safety and attacks unarmed men doesn't mean that I can't fight back! I am a pure épéeist of great skill and ferocity, and indeed renown! HaHA!"
When asked for further comment, "It's a pudding thing," they explained.
"I think DOCH agents have an unfair advantage," complained Agent Byzantium of Bad Slash. "So I go around sneaking in dark corners and leap out at them with daggers drawn on purpose."
Various other agents reported similar strategies, but Maly and Sean were too busy slapping each other with fencing gloves to give us further comment.
"I think this day is heinous and immoral," the Bonsai Mallorn, Head of Department for DOGA, is reported to have said. "Just because I'm not green doesn't mean I'm not a Tree! I'm just as much of a Plant as you! Fair and equal representation!"
Other Plants were overheard to say that they 'enjoyed the spirit of reverence given to the colour green" on St. Patrick's Day of Poking with Sharp Implements, and that they 'believed it fostered agent respect for the Plants.' It is worth noting here that the Bonsai Mallorn, being golden, is given fair and equal representation - once more by the uniforms of that most eccentric of departments, DOCH.
This reporter wishes a long day of hearty good and non-lethal fun to all poking-crazed agents everywhere.
- Agent Verdana Chartreuse
(My thanks to Luthien.)
SUEMONIA OUTBREAK IN CAFETERIA- SIXTEEN AGENTS MISSING, PRESUMED BEAUTIFUL.
It was a grim day for PPC agents everywhere yesterday when Stefiny Annariella Daaebreak, a newly captured god-Sue, broke loose from her captors on floor three and proceeded to go on a rampage in the PPC cafeteria. Daaebreak, 17, was apprehended in "Love Me Always" (file #887721098-144) and charged with severe godplaying, clear and present Disney behavior (the healing of one Erik Destler, age unknown, via administration of a kiss) and being so bloody annoying that the agents originally sent to catch her were hospitalized with sugar shock. She was eventually brought to earth by agents ToorKay John and Vindaloo of RC #8104.
At approximately 2:10 PM, ToorKay and Vindaloo returned to Headquarters with the captured 'Sue, intending to give her to the Bad Slash department for disposal. However, Daaebreak managed to cause a distraction by enchanting a passing male agent, who promptly tackled Vindaloo and forced her to release her grip on Daaebreak's neck. The Sue then kicked Agent ToorKay somewhere highly unpleasant indeed and escaped, leaving a trail of glitter behind her. An all-Headquarters alert was immediately issued, and every off-duty agent was placed on extreme alert.
Daaebreak was spotted passing the fourth-floor aid station at 3:47 PM, at which point she was pursued by Dr. Timbledim and the two attendant two nurses, Sparkticus and Bessa. Bessa, blonde and green-eyed, proved too susceptible and was immediately overwhelmed by Daaebreak's Aura of Luv; she tripped Sparkticus, punched Dr. Timbledim in the gut, and proceeded to follow Daaebreak as a Supporting-Sue. Over the next ten hours, five more agents of similar coloration were also enslaved by Daaebreak.
At 1:09 AM, Daaebreak and the 'Sued agents invaded the PPC cafeteria. The power of the Sue had grown so that every male agent in the vicinity immediately fell down and worshipped her, while the females instantly became petty, spiteful bitches. A security team, armed with Sue-resistant armor and the complete works of Terry Pratchett, was alerted to the situation by a cafeteria worker and immediately proceeded to the disaster area.
As of this moment, the casualty lists for the resulting firefight are still coming in. Confirmed injured by inhalation of enchanted glitter are agents Ithalond, Karlyle, Isaiah, Tadkeeta, and Jira. Other names have not yet been verified, but early reports indicate that sixteen agents have disappeared altogether, taking their remote activators with them. The high-risk fictional universes are now being swept for the enchanted victims.
Daaebreak was summarily shot by Agent Doom of the Mary Sue Department. Her remains were buried at a crossroads in The Shades, Ankh-Morpork, and the Guild of Gravediggers has been paid AM $10 a week to make sure that nobody tries to dig them up.
(Everyone worship Tungsten_Monk, and praise her for her dedication in obtaining photographs.)
DEPARTMENT OF PLOT CONTRIVANCES DISCOVERED TO BE FIGMENT OF AGENT'S IMAGINATION
by M. Brin
The previously prominant Department of Plot Contrivances was discovered earlier this week to be a figment of Agent P.Q. Shambutter's imagination. Said Shambutter: "I had been minding my own business over in the 'Sue department when it came to me that I'd never heard anybody beside myself talk about the good old D o' P.C. That's when I started to get suspicious."
Asking other agents in his department, Shambutter was quickly alerted to something being not quite right. According to his partner, Agent Yed Ikko, Shambutter "just wouldn't let it go". Continued Ikko: "I told him I'd never heard of any Department of Plot Contrivances before, but then again, it's not surprising, is it? I don't know what all goes on here anyway. I mean, I didn't know we had lavatory facilties until Agent Kiter pointed them out to me yesterday. Sure beats taking a leak in the forest when I'm out on a mission." Ikko is a senior assassin in the Zelda continuum.
Shambutter, however, was not put off. "So, I started looking all over the place for this Department of Plot Contrivances, but I just couldn't find them. I even asked the Marquis de Sod if he'd appointed anyone there recently, but he just gave me this look, you know, this kinda leafy look with the petals..."
Following this thorough investigation, Shambutter felt confident enough in his reasoning to utterly deny the existance of the Department of Plot Contrivances. "I was obviously making it up all these years. I can't imagine how this happened. Too much time in the Gerudo Desert, perhaps."
In a rebuttal to Agent Shambutter, Sir Begonia de Window-Potts of the Department of Plot Contrivances stated: Of course we exist, you little ninny, we've been slaving away down here in the underbelly of the PPC, destroying all those crazy Deus ex Machinas and teleportation rings and now you've decided to go around saying that we don't exis– before he and his entire staff vanished in a puff of disbelief. This reporter has been forced to conclude that they were a figment of Agent Shambutter's imagination after all.
(Thanks go to Meir Brin for this one.)