MYSTERY ASSASSIN STILL AT LARGE?
Agents enraged; Sunflower Official Refuses to Comment
Written by Agent Eris, Dept. of Imaginary Objects
As the entirety of the PPC is aware, there has been a recent spate of mystery assassinations outside the auspices of the Department of Mary Sues. Some of the targets have been legitimate Sues, snatched right from under the noses of assigned agents; others, original characters that had been deemed safe during initial PPC reconnaissance.
The Mystery Assassin, who styles itself "Alexandra Ward" first appeared about three months ago, snatching a particularly horrible 'Spirited Away' Dragon-Mating-Season-Sue out from under the noses of Agent Joan and trainee Agent Symphony of the Dept. of Rare Fandoms. "At firs', we did not t'ink anyt'ing of eet," says Agent Joan, "she is anuder Sue, who eez going to miss her, eh? But den, tabernac?"
Symphony finished for her. "We were willing to let this go, this once, as an overzealous fan out there, somewhere in the Multiverse, trying to help us. Then she, he, or it, started getting too big for their britches."
Records obtained by the Multiverse Monitor indicate that, in between the date of its first appearance and the current time, the Mystery Assassin pursued and inhumed no less than fifteen Sues in the Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings fandoms, with their primary focus on the latter. At first, the targets were evidently drawn from the departmental Hit List, but the assassin began branching out, killing anyone that even began to infringe on Canon in any possible way.
A roving recon Agent, who did not wish their name to be used, witnessed what was very nearly an assassination of Queen Lothiriel of Rohan. "I saw this arrow coming, and managed to knock her out of the way just in time. She didn't see me, she thought she tripped over a rock." The Agent looked over their shoulder before continuing. "There was a charge list attached to the arrow, and I read it before handing it over to the Flowers. There was only one charge on it, and that was for wearing a blue dress embroidered with white swans. That's the symbol and colors of Dol Amroth, her birthplace! Perfectly legit! What sorta crack is this idiot on?"
The final straw for the Flowers that Be was when the assassin began to cull the herd of PPC agents themselves. Agents who were perceived as being weak or supposedly unworthy were hounded and terrorized into exile, in two cases, or madness, as seen in the tragic fate of Agent Atropos. Said Agent was purposely marooned in an exceptionally disgusting Mary-Sue self insert and slashfic involving a twelve chapter bedroom scene between Elladan, Elrohir, and the Weasley twins. She had been left no survival gear and no way to escape.
"She'll probably never recover from the trauma", says Dr. McKenzie of Fictional Psychology. "When they give up trying to gnaw through the restraints, it?s a sign that they think it's no longer worth trying", added Nurse Constance Sims.
Agent Atropos had voluntarily joined the PPC from a Greek Mythology Suefic, and had been successfully undergoing Percussive Therapy (Fuzzy Baseball Bats Division) to suppress her Sueish instincts. At the time of her capture, she had not yet been assigned a partner or a Response Center.
In a message addressed to a high ranking PPC official, and accidentally sent to Agent Suicide's response center (RC #2771a), the Mystery Assassin 'Alexandra Ward' stated "Do you think that this is the first questionable thing I've ever done in the service of the PPC?...I was serving [their] interests...long before you joined us." The Mystery Assassin then went on to brag, in the most Evil Villain-ish speech seen outside of bad anime, that he, she, or it has "served the PPC...for...years now" and that the work covering its tracks "was just an example of the simpler techniques" of which it was capable.
The Monitor attempted to interview one of the Flowers to try and find out what, if anything, is being done about this rouge. The Sunflower Official not only declined to comment, but locked his door and shouted Go away! when this reporter tried to interview him. The other Department heads were equally as reclusive and reticent when it came to information, with the exception of the Marquis de Sod. We're going through all our personnel files as we speak in order to get to the bottom of this, he said, tetchily. You?re in the way. Please leave. Now.
Agents, on the other hand, have very loud opinions on the matter and are not at all afraid to voice them. Agent Peter of the Department of Internal Affairs commented, in response to "Ward"'s professions of service to the PPC, "Other people have said that over the years. Most of them are now dead." Agent Bertie of the Department of Imaginary Objects agreed, saying "Like, this, like, faux agent is so a total whackjob. They should, like, be the ones watching their backs. Or whatever." Agent Fritz added, "The little strumpet, if it truly is female, might find itself declared an Evyl!PPC Sue if this intolerable behavior continues." Both Agents then went off in search of cake.
Feeling somewhat guilty for picking the lock on her friend's response center and downloading what have come to be known as "The Lexy Files" for use in this article, this reporter then decided to take her life in her hands, and attempted to interview Agents Diocletian and Suicide to get their point of view on the issue. Agent Suicide is currently residing in the hospital wing, recovering from a massive stroke at the sight of Horny!Rapist!Resurrected!Sirius feeling up Unwilling!Rapee!Hermaphrodite!Good!Snape.
When asked for a comment on the "Lexy" situation, Agent Suicide was quoted from his hospital bed as saying: "What? Oh for Na'an's sake, not again! You're not a fangirl, are you? I've been finding drool smears on my door. Ever tried to get up in the morning and wind up slipping in somebody else's saliva? Didn't think so! Quiet, my arse! Is this about that camera someone put in the shower? Is that what "Suicide watch" means? Is it? Dio, give me the damn chair back! IS IT?" Agent Dio, attempting to hold down her raving partner, chimed in with "Eris, get the hell out of here! And if you want to come back and visit, take out those damned glittery earrings first!"
Oddly enough, it seemed one of the sanest commentaries on the whole debacle.
Suicide, once away from the sight of rhinestones, added that there seems to be some 'annoying' Suvian influence in FicPsych, as the same nurse has tried to cure him with True Love?s First Kiss five times since last Thursday. Possible connections to the "Lexy" case are currently being studied.
The What Weapon? Column
I'd like to think that it's summer here in HQ: things are certainly getting hotter around here, as just when we thought we'd "taken care of" Subjugation, another trial known as "That Series" rears its ugly head to make us Agents "hot under the collar" and test our skills and our sanity. And what better to wear when battling overly-amorous animals than this season's "hottest" new number, the "Morningstar"-brand sable jumpsuit? Morningstar is a relatively newcomer to the market, and a real find, if I do say so myself. They really seem to have "caught on" to the needs of today's Agent: a tough-wearing outfit with a professional finish, combining ingenious flameproofing with sassy good looks. I picked up two! The only downside is their cost: the "damage" is pretty "steep", potentially leaving poorer Agents "out in the cold".
Luckily, another brand has come back "with a smash", catering for the assassin on a budget. You all remember last year's simply dreadful "Pelican suit", with its sawn-off jeans and frankly embarrassing tassels? Well the company behind that mistake, Bongo Bongo, has "got its act together" and is offering a well-made yet inexpensive cargo-pants-and-halter combination, featuring the distinctive blue drums symbol of the company. Rumour has it that even our very own Agent Suicide has been seen wearing it!
But don't swoon yet, ladies! There's yet another company "vying for our attention": the ever-popular Saloon Gun, whose bold yet tasteful "Robber's Creek" jacket wowed us all just last season. Now they're back with a racy little number they call "All Cylinders": the little black dress you can wear anywhere, whether slogging through snow up Caradharas, battling on a remote volcanic planet, or "boogying down" at the PPC Christmas Party. And the ever-generous Saloon Gun have announced that the first twenty buyers will receive a gunsword holster in the colour of their choice, absolutely free! I don't know about you, but I think this is the perfect time to be "hitting the high street"!
Reported by Agent Aphrodite Brown
We recently recieved a list of activities now forbidden in Headquarters. In the spirit of...er...goodwill (and also because of the threats to cut off our electricity), we decided to publish this list. Of course, that's no guaruntee we're going to heed it...
List of Things I am not allowed to do at the PPC
1. Replacing the Coffee in the cafeteria with tar is not funny.
-even if they taste the same
-even if they have the same consistency
2. Telling the new recruits that when Agents go bad they end up in the meatloaf.
-or in the stew
-or in any part of the food all together.
3. I will not refer to my lightsaber as my phallic metaphor. Nor will I ask to see if someone's is bigger than mine.
4. I will ask about the Knob on the end of Gandalf's staff.
5. Nor will I ask to see the pointy hat trick from Gandalf
-In fact the pointy hat trick will not be mentioned at all in the presence of witches or wizards.
6. I will not let the Minis steal the cursed Aztec gold. It's not nice to see them try to beg for bacon and not be able to eat it.
7. I will not tell the new recruits that fertilizer is what happens when the Flowers don't make it to the bathroom on time.
8. I will not use the new recruits for target practice.
-saying that it improves their reflexes doesn't make it right.
9. Painting the wall out side my offic Uprle is not allowed.
-even if the gray is really boring.
10. I will not teach the new recruits Greyelvish and tell them that is Sindairn.
-Or any decent Elven language.
11. I will not grease the floor outside the cafeteria and then scream "Sue attack!"
12. I will not tell Make-Things that "THEY" are coming to take him away.
13. I will not inapporpirately use the Flashy Memory device.
14. I will not pretend that I have used the Flashy Memory device on an Agent and refer to things that I know didn't just happen.
15. I will not put Legolas, Will Turner and Paris of Troy in a room together to "See What Happens".
16. It is cruel to put "DePetal Me" on the Flowers. I will not do so.
17. Flames are not to be used for ritual sacrifices.
-Nor are New Recruits.
18. I will not make someone's computer sing "It's a Small World After All." over and over again.
19. Replacing Lightsabers with toy ones is not funny.
20. Replacing wands with Weasley Wands is also not funny.
21. I will not let the Undead Monkey loose.
22. I will not give the New Recruits Good Fan Fic and tell them to find the Mary Sue. It only makes them cry.
23. I will not make the new recruits cry.
-even from laughter.
24. I will not switch Yoda and Dobby's medical records.
25. I will not pretend that Gollum is a house elf that only needs a sock to win his freedom from Sauron.
26. I will not make chainmail out of my collection the twenty first one ring.
27. I will not scream "There can Only be ONE!" any time I am using a sword.
28. I will not replace Bleeprin with sugar pills.
29. I will not feed the agents Sugar at all.
30. Flamethrowers are not toys.
-Nor is the Holy handgranade.
31. Pretending to be one's own identical twin and terrorize the new recruits by pretending to be someone happy and bubbly and another person who's one Suefic away from going flamethrower-crazy.
-Or to bug the Flowers.
-Or my partner.
-In a similar vein, counterfeiting dissasociative identity disorder (aka multiple personality disorder) for those reasons is also prohibited.
32. Issue a notice saying that all Bleeprin in HQ has been found to be contaminated and must be recalled.
33. On the rare times I find an excuse to cook, I will not quote MacBeth.
-Or any other work of fiction with a similar scene.
-Quoting Titus Andronicus is out of the question.
34. I will not get into a "worst mission" contest with another agent, as these generally disintegrate rapidly.
35. I will not tell any of the Flowers that HQ is on fire and it's going to reach them soon.
36. I will not ask any Canonical character if he or she sleeps with a sword or other similarly shaped weapon. That innuendo is dead and rotting.
37. I will not try to disprove the "theory" that Bleeprin does not mix well with alcohol in my response center.
-or in the hall outside of the response center
-or anywhere in HQ for that matter.
38. I will not use the avis spell in the SO's office and shut the door.
39. I will not clash a lightsaber and a crystace to see if one cuts the other
40. I will not tease a Zeeky H. Bomb mini.
41. I will not take C. M. O. T. Dibbler to the kitchens.
42. I will not offer a Misspelled Monkey tree-of-life.
43. I will not write a Suefic.
44. I will not set a canon character up with Agent Lux.
-Or with Maeluiwen.
45. "You are the weakest link. Good-bye." was only funny the first 4588706 times. It is no longer funny.
46. The Fellowship is not 'my harem', and it is not appropriate to refer to them as such.
-Nor any other group of canon characters.
-Nor any group of PPC agents.
-Except maybe the Bad Slash Department.
47. I will not place booby-traps in the Lounge.
48. I will not bring Detritus's Piecemaker into PPC Headquarters, no matter how much my Response Center would be improved by knocking the wall in and expanding.
49. The safety catch is not a suggestion, and it is not to be left off, unless I want to eschew metaphor and really shoot myself in the foot.
50. I will not set up a betting pool on who is going to go insane next.
-Even if I do, I will not stalk my chosen victim and attempt to accelerate the process.
51. I will not make any comments about pollination. EVER.
52. I will not accuse people who bring in chocolate and/or alcohol and/or caffeine from outside of 'oversaturating the market'.
53. I will not attempt to discover whether or not freedom of speech extends to crying 'Mary Sue!' in a crowded cafeteria.
54. Trying to give New Recruit directions to their Response Centres is cruel, not funny.
-Especially when I tell them to try and walk up the walls. Gravity does work in HQ.
55. Saying 'Thank God it wasn't...' is forbidden, no matter what the situation.
-Tempting the ironic overpower does not make you cool. But it might get you shot.
-So is saying 'but what happens if I...'
-Unless you're alone; then go for it.
56. Putting Glitter into an Agent's coffee is not funny.
-Nor, when they try and kill you, is telling them not to come near you because you don't want to catch It.
57. Just because the Doctor can stitch your head back on doesn't make it okay to run around to throwing it at people screaming 'think fast'.
-Especially when they have their hands full.
-Even if they scream funny.
58. I shall not refer to the recruits as "cannon fodder."
-Or "canon fodder."
59. I will not try to bribe the SO for better missions.
60. I will not take bets on who would win in a fight between LoTR elves and Discworld elves.
-Nor will I attempt to arrange a battle to settle said bet.
61. Laying traps for new recruits does not count as survival training.
62. I will leave the shiny new weapons where I found them.
63. I will not ask Sauron how the air is up there.
-No, not even on a triple dog dare.
64. I will not take Makes-Things' sonic screwdriver.
65. I will not rewire the HQ broadcast system to play "They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!" on a continuous loop.
66. I will not replace toy lightsabres with real ones. Severed arms are not funny.
67. I will not tell Jedi holding lightsabres the correct way that "it's the other way 'round." Stabbing yourself accidentally is not funny.
68. Stabbing yourself on purpose is not funny either. That's what Bleeprin is for.
69. Urple paint is not funny, particularly when the Sunflower Official is covered in it.
70. Since I will use these words often in my work, I should stop making finger-quotes around the words "sword", "weapon", "lightsabre", "wand", "staff", etc.
71. I will not allow Agent Stormsong to watch Deliverance.
-Or allow him to read the sections of Something Positive involving the Redneck Trees.
-Or sing the Hedgehog Song to him.
-Or even mention the Hedgehog Song in front of him.
72. Constant jokes about Agent Stormsong "weaselling his way out of something" are not, nor have they ever been, funny.
-Ditto for constant jokes about the Weasley family.
73. I will not send any agent No-Drool videos labelled as episodes of their favourite TV show.
74. I will not give the personal email addresses of agents I don't like to Agent Luxury.
75. I will stop making jokes about "one-handed typing" in front of any agents who happen to be missing a hand.
76. I will not replace any agent's caffeine pills with sleeping pills.
77. I will not replace Agent Laburnum's blonde hair dye with candy pink.
-Unless I have a death wish.
78. I will not show Alice The Godfather.
79. I will not give Sirrus a Linking Book to Upstairs.
-Definitely not Veovis.
-Giving one to ro'Eh ro'Dan is right out.
80. I will not turn on a jackhammer in the corridors.
81. I will not turn starving Hork-Bajir loose in the Hippie Sequoia's office.
-Nor Fangorn Forest.
82. I will not tell Wile E. Coyote that a portal is a magical field that will give him the ability to catch the Roadrunner.
83. Contrary to popular belief, doing a striptease in the middle of the Cafeteria will not score me points with Agent Suicide.
-Consequently, it goes the same for doing it in front of the Marquis de Sod.
-Or any Flower for that matter.
-Even if I'm not human/humanoid species.
84. I will not mock the janitors of the PPC headquarters.
-Especially if they're armed with a Mop.
85. And because there is the possibility...whenever I meet actual twin agents, I will not make stupid 'double trouble' or 'twin terror' jokes.
-Or Weasley Twin jokes.
-Or Elf Twin jokes.
-Or anything that might involve the words 'doppelganger', 'double', 'other half' or 'anything else'.
-Especially if said twins were armed with a Nail Bat and a Mop respectively.
-Or armed to the teeth with a pair of guns, a huge rocket launcher, several hand grenades and a goose named Macgregor.
86. Dropping glitter on people is not funny.
-Nor is dyeing all their clothes sparkly pink
-Or replacing them with all Hot Topic clothes
-On the topic dyeing, Hair Dyeing is out also in regards to any shade of pink, purple, streaks or anything that could remotely be construde as Sueish.
87. I will not ask Boromir about the Horn of Gondor and hobbits.
-Also I will not tempt Boromir with one of the Fake One Rings that I Have laying around. He's in therapy for a Reason.
88. I will not tell Fox Mulder that the Sunflower is the soul of all the sunflower seeds that he ate coming to get revenge on him.
-I will not introduce him to Spock.
-Or Any other Alien life form.
-Or tell him that Sues really took his sister.
-Or introduce him to the MiB, it only gets his hopes up and he's been flashy thingied enough.
89. Creating a swimsuit calender for the PPC by superimposing Mary Sues over the Flowers is not funny.
90. I will not do an interpative dance of the Hunt of the Mary Sue, naked, for the canons.
-In fact there will be no naked interpative dancing at all.
-Or general nakededness.
91. there is not a clothing optional day ever two weeks, and I will not tell the New Recruits that.
-In fact I'm forbidden to go anywhere near the New Recruits.
92. I will not replace people's canon books with copies that have Richard Simmons in them. People do not enjoy reading Richard Simmons and the Goblet of Fire
-Nor will I replace them with George W. Bush.
-Or anyone else.
93. Shouting, painting or otherwise doing anything with the numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 especially in regards to telling people that if they don't imput those numbers into their computers the Sues will win is not funny.
-I will not refer to my Response Center as the Hatch
-the SO's office as the the Pearl
-and the Flowers as "the Others"
-it got old the first 200 times.
94. I will not start a betting pool to see how long the New Recruits will last before the end up in Psyche.
95. I will not go anywhere near a chain saw.
-Or a plunger
96. I will stop beating people over the head with my Clue by Oar while screaming "Make SENSE for GODS SAKE MAKE SENSE"
-I will not abuse the capslock of Rage either.
97. Replacing Jack Sparrow's Rum with Sports energy drink isn't funny.
-V-8 Juice isn't funny either.
98. Even if it is true, I will not tell the New recruits that Verra eats people who make her cranky. It only makes them upset.
99. I am not allowed to construct miniature Daleks out of whatever I have lying around the RC.
-Or if I do, I will not turn them loose in the halls.
-Nor will I then run into the cafeteria shrieking incoherent things about the Dalek Invasion of Headquarters. Total panic is only funny for a few seconds.
-Nor will I report any such invasion to the Multiverse Monitor. Toooo late!
100. Graffiti, no matter how much I may insist, cannot be reclassified as 'community service art project.'
-Or blood spatters
-Or stick-on sparklies
-Or paper chains made of shredded mission printouts
101. PG2B2 is not interchangeable with blue Kool-Aid. I will not tell new recruits that it is.
102. I will stop deliberately running into walls looking for secret passageways.
-And stop telling new recruits to do so.
103. It is inadvisable to borrow musically inclined Agents' instruments and pretend to be a rock star.
104. I can not Jedi-mind-trick the Flowers.
-Or anyone, for that matter.
105. Haircuts should not be performed with swords
-Or throwing stars
-Especially not on other people
-Especially when they do not expect it.
106. I can not bake forty batches of cookies in an E-Z Bake Oven.
-Nor can I put out the ensuing fire by blowing on it.
107. Canon characters do not generally need escorting back to their canons from FicPsych and/or Medical.
108. I will stop trying to hide Dr. House in Medical.
-Ditto Simon Tam.
-Ditto the Doctor. He is not a medical doctor.
109. My RC is not 'on the way' from either location.. to anyone's continuum.
110. I will not slip hair dye into Elven Agents' shampoo.
-Or use anyone else's uniform as a dye cloth.
-Or dye my hair in any of the common bath facilities, thus staining them blue.
111. I should not sneak up behind Agents with my guitar and play minor chords right at their backs.
112. I will stop giggling whenever I see the Marquis de Sod.
-Furthermore, I will not imagine the Marquis in flower-bondage gear.
-Ditto any other Flowers.
-And the phrase 'bends in the stem' is not to be repeated.
113. The Infinite Improbability Drive does not solve all problems.
-Nor does my all-knowing butler.
-I have not, in fact, got an all-knowing butler.
-Or a butler of any kind.
114. I will not challenge anyone to a duel.
-Not even with squirt guns.
-Not even for a very good reason.
115. It is bad form to stride around HQ with the Imperial March playing.
-Especially on kazoo.
116. On missions, I will not do any of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts or the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do in D'ni.
117. I will not draw pictures of Flowers in dubious situations all over my Manual.
-Or draw similar pictures of my colleagues.
-I especially will not show them to said colleagues.
-Or to other colleagues, for that matter.
-I especially will not paste them up all over HQ.
-I won't draw them on important paperwork, either.
-Especially not Flower slash on the reports I have to hand in.
118. I Will not practice archery with a longbow in a room ten foot square.
-If I do, I will check that anything easily broken is covered.
119. If my partner uses poison, I will not swap that poison with love potion.
120. I will not put love potion in the meal of a fellow Protecter.
-Or in the Flowers' food.
-Even if it would be funny -it's not worth being chased by a 50ft tree.
121. I will not install cameras in the showers.
122. I will not attempt to kill anyone who tells me I have an obsession with violence.
-Or with sex.
-Or with pain.
123. I will not in any circumstances call an Assassin a necrophiliac.
124. I will not produce a flamethrower upon being called a pyromaniac. It alarms the Flowers.
125. Just because I can reign down havoc and mass destruction, that doesn't mean I should.
-Not even if somebody ticks me off.
-And I mean REALLY ticks me off, not ordinary just-angry-at-them.
126. Having trouble remembering when it's appropriate to use your weapons? That's okay! Just sing this song! "This is my sword/ it's for killing Sues/ I don't use my weapon/ the agents to abuse." Remember: Mr. Weapon is not your friend unless you be careful with him!
127. Some people are under the impression that there is life outside of HQ. I will not encourage them in this. Specifically, I will not give them twenty bucks and tell them to go buy themselves some ice cream at the deli down the street.
-I don't care if it IS funny to see them run around in circles, I will not do this.
128. I will not give chocolate or other foreign objects to hobbits, especially not canon hobbits.
129. For mosr Agents, Sues are not good eating, no matter where they are.
130. I will not try to get Makes Things to make me a gatling spork launcher, no matter how cool it is.
131. Flame throwers and gatling guns are not LOTR canon weapons.
132. I am not allowed to use Chez Geek cards as projectile weapons.
-nor Crud Pulled Out of My Hairbrush.
133. No matter how much fun it is, I may not invite the Doctor and Ace over for lazertag.
-Especially not on Office Inspection Day.
-No toga parties.
-No matter what movie's anniversary it is.
134. Dive-bombing Sues with day-glo orange glitter paint is very funny, but not acceptable.
-I may not call the Flowers "Mom" or "Dad".
135. My official title is [insert name of Agent here], not "Princess Anastasia Tamako of the Vampire Wolfriders."
-Even if I have the fangs and puppies to prove it.
136. I may not write reports in Hieratic.
-Or any variant of Elvish.
-Or ANY fictitious language, dead language or general weird grammar.
137. C. M. O. T. Dibbler and Titus Andronicus must NEVER be allowed to meet.
-Let alone exchange recipes.
138. I will not dump Sesshomaru into The Mikado or Nanki-Poo into Inuyasha.
139. I will not tell Morfin Gaunt his mother was a Muggle-born adopted by purebloods. Some of those jinxes he used sting a bit.
140. I will not offer to prepare tandoori mini-Gwythaint.
141. I will not call Eshdeth Shirak "Darth" anything.
142. I will not tell new Agents to swim in Wahrk Lake on Riven.
143. I will not use Raid on Helmacron ships.
144. I will not mix PG2B2, Purple Stuff, and nitroglycerin.
(Since I'm the editor, and since I am stubborner (is that even a word?) than a mule and thus will stick to plan no matter what, this page is being reserved for the horoscopes that I think Tungsten was proposing to offer. Yes, I know I could do something else with the space. No, I don't think I will. Except for making faux-humourous comments, o'course.)
8: Strip naked and dance some version of the Highland Fling.
9: Dress as a Pict, right down to the blue paint, and charge down a hill screaming, preferably straight into a battle.
10: Disguised as an orc, portal into Minas Tirith and shriek in Aragorn's face.
11: Attempt to obtain video footage of all previous Truth or Dare games. (A warning from Agent Estelnar: This will not work unless we have it and want to give it to you; if we don't then you'll run into an elf with several broken bottles and a human prone to going berserker.)
12: Put a firework in a piano.
13: Find Lipwigzers. Feed Bleepsinthe to Lipwigzers. 'Fleague a jade', except using Lipwigzers instead of horses. Release Lipwigzers. Run like fury.
14: Blow smoke rings with a lighted cigarette, only not with the cigarette in your mouth.
Everyone's hated favourite, Draco Malfoy.