Page Two: Disturbance in Cafeteria!
Page Three: Insert Joke About Gammut
Page Four:Assassin Burns Down Department of Bad Slash!
Page Five: Sue in Disguise!
Page Six: What Happens on An Agent's Holiday? Photos!
Page Seven: Continued article.
Page Eight: Letters.
Page Nine: London Underground Disturbance.
Page Ten: LO of the Month.
Page Eleven: Adverts. Many of them black-market, but shush.
Manic in Cafeteria Disturbance!
PPC HQ (MONITOR) – At approximately 9:42am of Saturday, August 12, Earth Standard Time, a Disturbance occurred in the halls running roughly between Section 16 and the cafeteria (if you don't count where it intersects with Section 3, or the Moebius loop through the eighth door on the left, or—look, just read the article). Ahem. The Disturbance occurred in the form of a very nasty piece of work by the name of Edward Hyde, who was encountered by several witnesses while running full-tilt down the corridor in over-sized garments, bearing an expression of “unholy glee” and occasionally cackling when he occasioned to pinch the glutei of female Agents.
“There I was, making my way down for a cup of coffee, and this little creep comes up out of nowhere and puts his hand on my rear,” says Agent Iwa S. Thayer, who kindly agreed to speak with this reporter. With some heat, she adds: “Believe me, if I'd had my coffee, he never would've got further.”
The perpetrator was forcefully apprehended by Agent Ginger and ex-Agent Lupeias, who were not available for comment. However, they were overheard by several Agents to make threatening remarks against Mr. Hyde before knocking him out and dragging him away, leaving a thin smear of blood in their wake.
“I saw the whole thing,” Thayer says. “Still needed that coffee, so I got there right when they pulled out guns. I thought we'd all be knifed or shot, crazy [censored] Assassins. Only reason nothing else happened was that creepy guy surrendered and one of them said something about a Jenni being pissed. I think there's a Jenni in FicPsych or something. I guess he was a Canon who escaped the ward.”
Indeed, Mr. Edward Hyde is he of Jekyll and Hyde fame, whether the original Book Canon of Robert Louis Stevenson or the Musical Canon of Leslie Bricusse and Frank Wildhorn. But why, wondered this reporter, if he had escaped from the Department of Fictional Psychology, why was he being chased by an ex-Assassin and a Floater? Further investigation revealed no reports of an escape and Agent Jennifer Robinson was not on the ward at the time of the Disturbance—indeed, the blood trail did not lead to FicPsych, but to the Lounge.
This is a matter that clearly demands serious investigation by persons better prepared to enter the Lounge, which is well-known as a scummy hive of wretches and villains. (Legal has informed this reporter that they are Not Amused with the paraphrasing. This reporter does not care, because it is the Truth.) How did a Canon get into the halls of HQ? Why was he dragged back to the Lounge? What else goes on in that room, anyway, and how come we haven't heard anything about it? Only time and a seriously badass reporter will tell. We just need to find that brave and possibly masochistic soul.
— SUSSI TOWT
(No, that's not a skirt.)You mad? We want them to think it is!
Assassin Burns Down Department of Bad Slash!
The unspoken friendly rivalry between the Department of Mary Sues and the Department of Bad Slash took a rather unpleasant turn recently when an Assassin set fire to several response centers belonging to Slashers.
According to eyewitness accounts, the Assassin in question was tall, green-haired, and looked extremely sleep-deprived. "She had this sort of mad glint in her eyes, you know?" remarked Agent Janne "Click" McNichols of the Department of Implausible Crossovers. "And then I noticed the flame-thrower she was carrying, so I got the heck out of there."
"She was screaming something about joining the Royal Ballet," said another Agent, who prefers to remain nameless. "That sort of stuff just isn't natural."
Other sources state that the Assassin was also shouting "And your little Duck, too!" It is unclear at this time whether that phrase refers to the infamous rubber duck logo of the Department of Bad Slash, or to Agent Ducky, whose response center was among those targeted in the attack. Agent Ducky refused to confirm or deny this; his only comment was "At least it wasn't lunch meat this time."
The mystery arsonist remains at large. If you have any knowledge of her whereabouts, please contact the Multiverse Monitor immediately. We are offering a large Bleeprin reward for any information leading to an exclusive interview with her.
MM REPORTER THROWN OUT: SUE IN DISGUISE!
A shocking discovery rattled the Multiverse Moniter team last Thursday. New reporter Aeribella Windrunner was forcefully ejected from the ranks of the esteemed MM writing team for concocting a fanciful and slanderous account of the nocturnal doings of one Agent Suicide from Response Center #2771a.
That in itself was not enough to arouse extra attention; however, closer inspection revealed all of the stories to be centered on Agent Suicide’s fictional activities solely with her. Further suspicion stemmed from one disastrous night when she attempted to seduce the Agent herself.
Agent Suicide was available for a brief and mumbled comment. “If she thinks I’m going to let her go after this, she’s got another thing coming. She doesn’t even write well!”
Further investigation unearthed a surprising truth. Windrunner was a Mary Sue! Not the reformed and properly recruited kind; she was a full fledged Sue in disguise having infiltrated the PPC to fulfill her dreams about Agent Suicide.
One agent who wishes to remain unnamed mentioned in passing she had heard some rumor of ‘badfic games’ and wondered if this was one unexpected side effect.
Windrunner was then formally fired from the Multiverse Moniter staff and forcefully thrown out of the PPC. She was left to her own devices to avoid any further assault of the deadly kind.
Windrunner did not, sadly, live up to her name and was subsequently hunted down by Agent Suicide. She is not expected to be seen or heard from again.
What happens when Agents actually manage to scrounge some time off?
Apparently, what happens is alcohol. It includes very embarrassing moments.
What happens on an Agent's vacation CONTINUED.
(We've reverted to the old practice of 'Send it in when you read an we'll edit' in view of the numerous other things that means no letters.)
Agents on the London Underground.
A week ago, certain people noticed a short article in a British newspaper (yes, they are available) which seemed to implicate this organisation in the damage of a train. The relevant passages are given:
"Yesterday, a gathering of three young people trashed the London Underground. Upon questioning, the group cited the Sunflower Official, who was not available for comment."
Our suspiciouns aroused, we studied the photograph provided (unfortunately somewhat blurred) and tentatively identified and located two of the Agents involved.
"I don't know why they made such a fuss," said agent Fingal, DMS. "I mean, it was just a few broken ceiling poles." When asked why the seiling poles were broken, she told us, "We'd been hanging from them." Her partner, agent Wilkins, elaborated.
"We'd been on our feet for twelve hours straight. I mean, something like that, it makes you want to get the weight off your legs, you know?"
The Sunflower Official was still not available for comment, but it is believed that even more missions than usual (if possible) are lined up for the unfortunate trio, whose last componant is unidentified. (Personally, this editor believes it to be her partner, and is going to discuss the matter as soon as possible.)
LO of the Month.
Adverts --spot the Black Market!
Bleepsinthe and Bleepesteem
Response Centre 803
Uncooked squid or live shellfish accepted.< P>
'Sue scalps, including several season-changing varieties and a limited-
edition Sparkly-Urple-Wilver Melkor-'Sue scalp. Will take chocolate, anything
alcoholic, and anything shiny. Or hydrogen bombs.