Page Two: What Weapon?
Page Three: Skin! Lots Of Skin!
Page Four: LOs and Lust! The Dangerous Valentine's Disease!
Page Five: Flower Censorship at Highest Level!
Page Six: Laws of Physics Outed!
Page Seven: What Not to do at the PPC...again. (You can see I'm strapped for material, can't you?)
Page Eight: Birds for the Righteous Cause!
Page Nine: LO of the Month.
Page Ten: Adverts and Local News.
The What Weapon? Column – March 2007 edition
There's been "a spate" of winter colds here at HQ! So I thought I'd start off this month's article with an item that's been extremely popular! Created and marketed by fashionable medicine and toiletries retailer Docteur Qui, it's sexy… it's cheery… it's a little bit of a chav… it's "Rose Tylernol"! Have you ever felt that you've been a bit down in the dumps, with a dead-end job and an odd-looking hairstyle? Try Rose Tylernol! Have you ever wished that an alien with a regional dialect would fly down and sweep you away in his flying blue box? Try Rose Tylernol! Have you ever wished you could buy a tissue box that's bigger on the inside? Try ROSE TYLERNOL! These pretty pink capsules will get you up and about in no time, untroubled by sniffles or sadness! This reporter has been "unable to get enough of them", and they've "helped no end" with my cold! They're amazingly cheap too! Possible side effects include gigantism of the mouth and hyperkinetic overcheeriness disorder!!*
This reporter has also been away, suffering from a "terrible case of" Real Life, a horrid affliction which forces itself upon all Agents at some point in their career. But it is "with a bang" that What Weapon? returns, I hope, as the market is full to bursting with more high-quality products than you can shake a sparkly pink katana at. Which is, I have to say, rather a co-incidence, as that is just one of the items "hot off the presses" from Morningstar. They slice, they dice, and they leave a trail of popping magenta glitter behind them. Now, this may not sound like your average Agent's "cup of tea", but don't let outward appearances discourage you! Each of those sparkly little pink blobs is a powerful bomb, and as Mary-Sues are naturally attracted to this colour, the results can be… delightfully messy.
But if your tastes run to more sophisticated ends, the top thing I can recommend this month is the sleek, sassy Life On Stars, Bongo Bongo's comeback offering. Go back to the '70s with this amazing brown, pinstriped golf set, built in with gadgets ranging from knives to a bazooka to three shots of vodka. Bongo Bongo's new managing director, a Mr Pretty Whittaker, clearly "knows his market", and has potted a "hole in one" with this project, though we here at the Multiverse Monitor believe that he may be "scraping the bottom of the barrel" when it comes to thinking up witty names.
Join us again next month, for news on Saloon Gun's rumoured fire-element-'Sue alternative to the flamethrower!
Reported by Agent Aphrodite Brown
*Docteur Qui cannot be held responsible for the "down" after this product wears off, which may result in angsting and runny mascara on a rainy Welsh beach!!!
Agent Kurumoi! (Picture taken while the
subject was fortunately asleep.)
LOs and Lust
So, it’s Valentine’s Day, and, because of the influx of awful Valentine’s Sues, you’re out on a mission. Oh well, PPC Agents never have holidays, and this is hardly a huge festival anyway. Or so you think. But soon you start to feel yourself getting dizzy, and strange thoughts spring into your head. You start to think how wonderful it would be if you could portal into your LOs universe for just one second, and glomp/tackle/kiss/have sex with (depending on the strength of your attachment) him or her. What’s happened to you?
The answer is simple. You have been infected by the excess lustin floating around in the fic. There is always lustin in a Suefic, but for some reason it seems to become more concentrated around Valentine’s Day, producing strange and potentially dangerous effects on both Agents and canon characters. One agent, who shall remain nameless, gave us a horrific warning of what can happen if the proper precautions are not taken:
“It was awful. She started shaking, then her eyes misted over until they were literally grey. I didn’t realise what was going on until she jump-tackled Jack Sparrow. Then things got out of control. I ran over to try and get her off, but she was clinging on too tightly. I was wondering why Jack wasn’t doing anything, but then I saw that his eyes were the same colour. The Sue was off screwing Will at this point, so I didn’t have to worry about her.
I pulled at [name withheld for reasons of privacy]’s arms, and eventually managed to disentangle her. Then Jack grabbed hold of me! I struggled, but eventually had to resort to using the stun setting on a small blaster I’d smuggled in. Once I’d subdued the Captain I turned back to my partner. She was lying on the deck, unmoving, and her eyes had returned to their normal brown. I checked her pulse and breathing, but it was too late. She’d died of ecstasy. I...I...couldn’t…
[At this point the Agent broke down. However, after ten minutes he had calmed down again, and the interview continued]
Of course, I had to hand over the mission, and I spent three month being treated for depression following the incident. I would advise any agents going into a fic on Valentine’s day to carry an emergency dose of anti-lustin – it might just save a life.”
So, with that in mind, what can you do to prevent such a terrible tragedy occurring on one of your missions? Here are a few simple tips to help keep you and your partner safe at this dangerous time:
1: Carry at least two emergency doses of anti-lustin and familiarise yourself with the correct procedure for administering the drug.
2: Always stick together – separating may help you see more of the fic and hence get more charges, but it puts you at risk.
3: Try to avoid scenes which your LO is present in, or at least try to stay at the outskirts of said scenes. 4: Avoid scenes of kissing, sex etc. This is difficult, but these acts significantly increase the amount of lustin in the air.
5: Wear a face mask if you need to be present at one of the above-mentioned scenes – it hasn’t been proven to work, but might help.
6: Get in, get the charges, get the Sue, get out. Don’t stay in a fic longer than you need to, even if your surroundings are beautiful e.g. Rivendell.
7: If your partner does display any of the symptoms (listed below) administer anti-lustin as quickly as possible and exit the fic. You can return to it later, and saving someone’s life is more important than getting the Sue (although some people would debate that point)
8: If you start to feel any of the symptoms, give yourself a quick shot of anti-lustin.
Symptoms to look out for in yourself:
tingling sensation in the hands and feet
Symptoms to look out for in your partner:
staring into the middle distance
suddenly wanting to talk about his/her LO
loss of balance
loss of inhibitions
REMEMBER: STAY CALM, STAY FOCUSED, AND DON’T FORGET TO PULL THE CAP OFF THE END OF THE NEEDLE.
Missed deadlines and lack of material - or was it?
As everyone knows, the Multiverse Monitor was not published last month. The story from the publisher is that this was due to missed deadlines and a lack of material. In a place as lively as HQ, one must wonder - do they really expect us to believe that?
This reporter thinks not. In fact, perhaps the reason why the publisher chose to go with this story was to choose something so outrageous it would fail to mask the real reason we weren't allowed to publish last month. Why? It was a conspiracy! Yes, folks, the Monitor has managed to anger some of the Powers That Be, and last month's lack of publication is only the start of what will occur if we continue.
It has been no secret that the Flowers do not approve of this paper's activities, or the activities of the reporters for it. Those that report for it find themselves assigned the worst stories and given the most hideous abuses of Canon to deal with. When confronted on this issue, the SO replied, This is foolishness .... It cannot be allowed to continue.
One presumes he was referring to the Monitor's activities. The SO has all but admitted to interfering with the Paper's activities at the highest level. The SO then accused the Monitor of misrepresenting what has been said by himself and other Flowers and Agents and even going so far as to lie! This argument is obviously an attempt at a diversion. We will not be diverted from our cause!
The Flowers, working in conjunction with those agents who find it convenient to suppress the truth, and perhaps even with Mary Sues, though such an idea is too obscene to even consider at length, are attempting to destroy this noble source of news and all it stands for. Why they are trying to do so can only be guessed at, but it is not a secret that the Monitor has been less than flattering to those in power on occasion. Certain agents claim to have been slandered in the paper, as well.
Your reporter went to the head of this newspaper in regards to those last comments, and was told, "That's just plain stupid. We're a newspaper. What would we have to gain by reporting lies?" A reasonable argument, all told.
By preventing us from being able to publish last month, the Establishment won the last battle, but this month and every month after will be a victory! We will win this war against the oppressive Flowers and their cronies!
Our loyal readership can, of course, aid our noble cause by buying as many copies of this paper as possible and contributing their own news to the content. Complete veracity of content is encouraged, but not entirely necessary.
Ballistics Would Disagree by Agent Tatharien
“The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” are more than metaphorical in many fics, as we all well know. Mary-Sues and their male counterparts have long taken lessons from the Godmoders and their super-powered arsenals, but their ignorance or their arrogance increases daily. I can attest as much with an example from my current mission. The ‘Sue therein shoots multiple bolts from a mithril crossbow while on horseback, breaking several practical laws in the process. What crimes are there in this? I shall break down the problems step by step.
I begin under the allowance that a crossbow is allowable in Arda. Though I recall no evidence of its mention within the canon, it is a believable technological innovation for the world. The crossbow itself is made of mithril—while that marvelous metal is very versatile (and perhaps more to the ‘Sue’s interest, shiny), I do not believe that it has the tensile composition necessary to bend as that weapon would require. Perhaps she intended it to be chased or inlaid with mithril, a more credible idea. It is possible, though the dearth of the substance would make it an unlikely decoration for so utilitarian a device.
Next, the more pressing question of multiple shots fired from horseback. There are two possible interpretations for such an assertion. Either the weapon is intended to be a multi-action crossbow or she manages to reload and cock it while riding. Multiple fire is available to crossbows in two fandoms to my knowledge—Shrek (a la castle guards in Shrek 2) and Van Helsing (wherein it is specifically invented by Friar Carl for his friend’s use and is powered by a small engine.) Neither the d.e.m. of fairy-tale land nor the internal combustion engine of Helsing-verse should be available in this context. The other possibility, of recocking a crossbow while riding, is patently ridiculous. The crossbow was intended for use against armored opponents, thus it packs a massive amount of force into a relatively small weapon. Grown men must cock it with a stirrup (someone kindly gag the snickering Badslasher), using the full strength of their legs. It is nearly impossible to do that while riding, but a young probably-human woman—even if she does turn out to be a secret agent—would not be able to do that, particularly several times in a matter of minutes.
Sorry, ‘Sue. You will have to find another way to kill your Haradrim pursuers.
Editor's note: Normally, we would not report this, given our profession involves chaos. However, it was a choice between this and, as the Marquis de Sod put it, Having Our Premises Forcibly Evicted. Campaign for tabloidy rights now!
Things I'm Not Allowed To Do in the PPC, Part Three.
262. I will not let Onaya at Imp y Celyn.
263. I will not sent Lt. M'Ress to the Jellicle Ball.
264. I will not take Cosette to Spire.
-Or to Cloud City.
265. I will not play Kraftwerk's "Numbers" in the temple of Bel-Shamharoth.
-Nor will I take Sesame Street's Count there.
266. I will not disassemble a Borg Agent's regeneration alcove.
267. I will not attempt to mysteronise myself.
-If it dosn't work I will end up either looking very dead, or very silly.
268. I will NOT start any shipping war of any kind
-not even a teeny tiny, itty bitty one.
269. I will not sell Moist von Lipwigs tell-all Autobiography "The Leopard Changed his Shorts" 60 years before the fact, when Moist is an 86 year old widower (and oldest serving Postmaster) who's son is patrician (after vetinari and ironfoundersson). (yes, I am shilling in advance)
270. I will not tell newbies that the cafeteria meat loaf is made of ground up sue and confiscated tech.
-except when The Swedish Chef is on KP, when it is.
271. I will not introduce Cpn. Jack Sparrow and Zaphod Beeblebrox. The combined egos would doubtless explode, and with all the alcohol those two accumulate, this would be a Very Bad Thing.
272. I will not perform exorcisms on fellow agents, even if they claim to have Sues in their heads. That is a job for medical.
273. I will not charge and summarily execute a fellow agent who has been sue'd.
274. I will not attempt to sell my soul to any devil.
-not even if he/she/it promises me eternal life.
-or amazing Sue-killing powers.
-or the ability to instantly vaporize all Sues that have ever and will ever exist(ed).
-because we all know how that would turn out.
275. I will not try to put every angel and demon in one room in an attempt to start a second Heavenly war.
-because that would be plain stupid.
-In fact I will not mess around with any angels/demons/deities whatsoever.
276. No version of Hell is a smart place for a vacation.
-Or an OFU field trip.
-Nor is any version of Heaven.
277. If, for any reason I am in any Hell; for a mission, I will not look to see if anyone has caused my workload as an Agent, or any suethors are there so I can torment them.
278. If I happen to find myself in the Halls of Mandos, I will not attempt to dance before Lord Námo in order to free a dead loved one.
-Or a dead Canon.
-Especially not Feanor.
279. If, for some reason, I find myself in the Halls of Mandos I will not start talking loudly about how kind it was of Lady Galadriel to give Gimli three strands of her hair.>br> -I will also not mention how pretty the Silmaril looks in the sky.
-Or how shiny the One Ring is.
280. I will never, ever, ever mention the following within earshot of Feanor.
-How many shiny objects Agent Dafydd "Maglor" Illian has accumulated.
-How many shiny objects (including extra Silmarils) there are in HQ in general.
-The fact that the portal I am about to open leads to HQ.
-Seriously. The PPC does not need a Kinslaying in its halls.
281. I will not attempt to link up several sentient computers from different fandoms.
-Especially if one is Durandal from Marathon.
-Or HAL 9000
-Or Athena from The Cat Who Walks Through Walls.
-If I do, I am responsible for cleaning up the mess.
282. If I am in the throes of pon farr, I will not attempt to mind-meld with a H'nemthe.
283. I will not arrange a fight between Reavers and Discworld elves.
284. Speaking of Reavers, I will never again use them to execute a Sue.
285. I will not unleash Mrs. Cake on any Holy Holly.
286 I will never take a Baronet of Ruddigore to Serenia.
-Or John Wellington Wells.
287. I will not give Grover from Sesame Street tribbles.
-Not even for a Spaceship Surprise sketch.
-Giving him kuribohs is right out.
288. I will not act flame-thrower crazy if I'm not.
289. I will not test Rikki-Tikki-Tavi against an amphistaff.
290. I will not fly a Sun Crusher without a license from DoGA.
-Nor will I use it on a non-Suvian system.
A Cassowary for the Fan Righter by Agent A. Gallowglass
(‘a glossary for the fan-writer,’ or ‘why beta readers are important’)
Many are the trials and tribulations of the fan-reader, she who trolls (not like that) the Pit of Voles for the tributes to her favorite fictional universes. The automated spelling and grammar checks available on most, if not all, word-processing programs can not save the truly dedicated Fan Righters from themselves. While some writers have real trouble spelling, through learning disorders like dyslexia or simply an inability to grasp the admittedly complicated rules of English words, the good ones will not let that stand in their way. By this, I do not mean that they post error-filled fiction for their poor readers, but that they invest in a good beta reader, the fan version of an editor. Through proper application of cookies, plushies, and/or backrubs to said beta, even the most hopelessly mixed up spelur can put forth fics that do not resemble the outpourings of a can of alphabet soup.
In the meantime, let me examine and attempt to define ten Fan Righter terms drawn at random from the morass.
Aliviate: A majikal healing charm which restores a Lust Object even from death.
Artefact: A staple of ‘Sues, artefacts are personal items, usually articles of jewelry or
small ornamental weapons. They are generally heirlooms or presented by a mysterious friend/benefactor.
Assinate: Stubborn refusal by a character to take basic caution near Canon dangers.
Copywritted: Referring to a fic itself, the condition of being copied nearly directly from source material, then claimed to some extent as the Fan Righter’s own.
Disillusional: A Canon in this state suddenly realizes that everything he or she thought about another Canon is wrong, inspiring a complete attitude shift toward that person. This leads most often to either intense love or unexpected hatred.
Plannet: A small, magically light knapsack of the pocket universe variety—it can hold anything.
Somekind: The race of ‘Sues’ animal companions, Best Friends, Gay Pals, and other sidekicks.
Super heroin: Presumably illegal, this drug, a particularly strange form of the substance diacetylmorphine, is a staple of the god-complex ‘Sue. It imbues the consumer with a sense of power and unlikely abilities, allowing her to overpower even the strongest Canon.
Torchered: Angst and back-story that inspires urple prose.
Travil: Pain and Hardship ™ endured on a quest such as no adventurer has faced before.
LO of the Month -Ron Weasly!
That musical muppet trio, Mahna and the Snowths, are planning to perform at PPC headquarters. Among the songs planned is that perenial favourite, "Mahna Mahna (Do do be do do)", with an opening act of the Muppet Folk Singers performing several Hibernian classics such as "The Kerry Recruit" and "Patrick Sheehan". Rowlf the Dog has volunteered to play piano for a performance of "the Scarlet Tide", but Allison Krause has been unavailable.
The cafeteria staff are advertising for testers for a new range of potential Semi-Foodstuffs.
Many, many, many thanks go to Nscangal, Twiggy, Oozaru Angel, Fynn, Tasari, Gandalf the Beige, and anyone I may have forgotten (including Coffeecup?). Without you, this edition would literally not have been possible.
Well, folks, it's been a year. Occasionally I did not expect that this would last that long; I'm very glad it did. And now that it has made it that far -exactly a year around -I'm sure it can continue. The Multiverse Monitor will remain, and it will continue to cause scandal and leave chaos in its wake wherever it may appear! We shall not be denied our goal of upsetting everyone it is possible to upset and making everyone else scream with laughter! ...though I do need help on that part, but fortunately you lot are very good at it.
And now, a word or, erm, forty-five:
"One unfortunate fact about enterprises is that, while they start off with great popularity and acclaim, over time their following -originally composed of those with a passing interest in something new -drifts away, until it is supported only by a few devoted or dedicated 'punters'."
I think I understand, now. I think I finally understand.
"If these 'punters' are many, the enterprise will, however, thrive.")