Welcome to the second edition of the Multiverse Moniter, only newspaper for Headquarters!
Page Two: Bleeprin Deritives.
Page Three: (Estelnar can take issue with this if she likes.)
Page Four: I Was A 'Sue.
Page Five: 'Sue Taxidermy.
Page Six: Suecosis.
Page Seven: Horoscopes.
Page Eight: What Happens In RC 4952.
Page Nine: Letters?
Page Ten: Missing Agents: What's Going On?
Page Eleven: Recent Lust Object Sightings.
Page Twelve: Poster.
Page Thirteen: Adverts for Portable Consoles.
Bleeprin Derivatives: What Medical Doesn't Want You To Know
(Yes, we're running one. It's Agent Estelnar Celebduin, if you must know. And Starwind nearly got murdered for taking it.)
"I Was A Sue!" One Agent Reveals Her Shocking Story!'
Some may recall that on the day of January 23rd, 2005 any and all operational CADs (Canon Analysis Device) suddenly went off, fizzled and then melted into a horrible pile of goo around the general area of Real Person Fic. Many did not know the reason for this strange phenomena, that is…until today when Agent Bakeru (Department of Intelligence: Anime Division) was cornered by some
worried PPC agents.
For the six months or so, Agent Bakeru has worked as the intelligence agent for the new and elusive (not to mention reclusive) Special Mary-Sue and Anime Response Team that--to this very day--only has one active member, the buoyant Special Agent Keily Shinra, who--despite herself--makes any CAD within a thirty mile radius of her go off for four to seven days of every month. As the intelligence agent was being
questioned, in a fluster, she gave her only answer: “Everyone has their time of the month, alright? She suffers from MSS.” She said no more than that and disappeared into a cloud of smoke made by some sort of silver ball thrown onto the floor.
But what is MSS? After a trip to Medical, this reporter found out what type of horrible disease it is.
“Mary-Sue Syndrome: It’s a type of Sue/Stu character curse/menstrual cycle,” says a random nurse in the Medical Department. “It happens to anyone who used to be a Sue/Stu. It’s something mainly found in females, though. In short…it’s like turning into a werewolf every full moon…except you turn into a beautiful, long-legged, perky breasted, urple haired freak once a month for four to seven days.” After this, the nurse looked nervously at something to the side and declined any other questions shot at her as an agent came into the room looking ready to puke.
But what a shocking turn of events! Many rumors have been running about a Suvian disguising herself as a PPC agent and Agent’s Shinra’s odd predicament has sparked even more. And now this reporter will go down into the depths below to weed out the truth…Into the sub-basements where the S.M.A.R.T. resides to get a personal interview with our Special Agent Shinra.
Once down there I was greeted quite enthusiastically by the suspect Sue who was in the middle of feeding her pets: a fluffball that explodes called a Kuriboh, a violent mongoose and a sentient kiwi. When asked about her MSS, she pouted and said, “No one ever comes down here to play with me. And every time I go upstairs everyone looks at me funny.” But she did explain her predicament nonetheless.
“I was a Sue.” She said this with a bit of a sardonic smile. It was a statement that most people shuddered at and got quite a few agents enraged, but she had a way of putting it so it wasn’t so bad. “Although, not the type most Agents wish to chop into pieces, burn and then chuck into a wormhole. I, my dear reporter, was ‘Possessed’ by a Suethor.”
I inquired more deeply into the matter. I wanted her personal opinions and how she felt about all of it. And most importantly, how could she deal with her current problems as they were. How did she manage to get rehabilitated? Did she feel guilty about slaying her fellow Sues? She gave me a non-committal shrug and another sardonic smile.
“Well, when it comes to Real Person Fic, it often makes the missions a lot more iffy…because not only is the department extremely understaffed and on the brink of extinction, but the Real Person Fic requires an in-depth knowledge about the ‘Real Person’ inside the fic.” She explained, her wry smile becoming more amused than anything else. “…which meant that SO didn’t know who to send. Despatch, RPF or one of the Floaters. In the end RPF had to come in and get me into rehab as quick as possible since they didn’t know how to get rid of the Suethor’s influence. It’s not as if it was an LOTR fic where they could just pick up the Silmarillion and exorcise the Suethor’s spirit.”
“As for everything else, it was simple really. I was given a choice of being locked up forever or help protect the continuum. Easiest choice I ever made. I received the exact same training as the other PPC agents to help with the Sue urges. And killing Sues from my favourite fandoms is very therapeutic. Good for the inner rage, good for the soul. As for my MSS: I try not to interfere with others by staying in my department. The docs say I’m harmless otherwise…Well, unless you’re a Sue, of course.” A wicked grin adorned her lips at this and I found it infectious.
“You’re very calm about all this.” I tell her as she bounces her Kuriboh on her lap, her attention beginning to wane to random things…like world domination with her sentient kiwi.
“Note: I was a Sue. Past tense.” She answered, tossing the puffball with legs into the air. “I am quite content with being ‘in character’ thank you very much. I don’t intend to be a Sue more than I need to be.” She then smiled an incredibly charming, sweet, innocent and perfect smile that showed both rows of her sculpted, sparkling white teeth--
“Sorry,” she said, covering her mouth with a hand, “it’s nearing that time of the month, you see…” As the console began to beep in the room, I was ushered out of the room, questions still wanting to be answered that haven’t been answered.
Sue Taxidermy: Ten Easy Steps!
Have you ever wanted to keep a trophy of any ‘Sue you have killed? Read below for ten easy steps of preparing your ‘Sue for display. Note: Proper precautions should be taken. Goggles, gas mask, laboratory coat, thick gloves, and thick soled boots are recommended.
Step One: Kill the ‘Sue.
This can be done in any way possible, such as stabbing, shooting, or throwing into a wormhole (as long as the ‘Sue can be retrieved). The ‘Sue should be left intact and not mangled in any way.
Step Two: Skin.
Skin the ‘Sue by making an incision along its body. Carefully peel the skin away, and wipe up any blood that may escape. Caution: Do not let blood touch you. If blood happens to make any contact with you, rinse it immediately with water and see your nearest doctor at the HQ.
Step Three: Remove organs.
The organs can be removed by simply pulling them out. If you wish to keep them, mummify the organs and put them in jars. You may wish to remove the bones, but if kept in place, the ‘Sue has a more lifelike appearance. Thick wire may be used as a substitute. The skull, however, must stay in the head, or it will be a deformed blob.
Step Four: Clean the Skin.
The skin can be cleaned in a number of ways. The simplest is to wipe it down with a soft towel. You must be careful, because the ‘Sue may be allergic to certain towels and rashes may show on the skin, even in death. You should freeze or salt the skin to preserve it.
Step Five: Stuff.
Cotton can be used to stuff your ‘Sue. Carefully take the cotton and shove it around the bones (Or a very thick wire if you chose to remove the bones). You should make sure the ‘Sue does not have a lumpy appearance, and that the limbs on either side of the body are symmetrical. The chest and buttocks areas should be overstuffed.
Step Six: Sew incision.
A thin needle and flesh colored thread are needed for this part. Start along the top of the incision and sew in small stitches until you have reached the bottom of the incision. Tie a small knot in the thread and cut it. The seam may be masked by concealer found in any make up department of a store.
Step Seven: Dress the ‘Sue.
You may wish to dress your ‘Sue in her original clothes, or make your own. If using the original clothes wash them and sew any tears in the fabric. If you wish to make your own clothes, make a pattern and cut fabric accordingly. Sew the fabric and dress the ‘Sue.
Step Eight: Add make up and fake eyeballs.
The fake eyeballs should be glued into the ‘Sue’s eye sockets. Make up is recommended to make the ‘Sue more lifelike. Add whatever make up the ‘Sue wore when you found it. You may also wish to bleach the teeth.
Step Nine: Style hair and add other finishing touches.
More hair may need to be added. Try to make the new hair a close match the ‘Sue’s real hair. Fix the hair in the style that the ‘Sue was wearing it in when you found it. Other finishing touches to the ‘Sue, like earrings or painted fingernails, may be added.
Step Ten: Display the ‘Sue.
The ‘Sue may be displayed on a large doll stand. If you want to display your ‘Sue in any other way, you are more than welcome to do that. I’m not stopping you. To make the display humorous, you can display the ‘Sue as if it is dying. You may put the ‘Sue in a glass case to prevent it from getting dusty, etc.
(Courtesy of Turtle of the Night.)
Attention: All Agents
Instead of silicosis, where fine dust particles build up in your lungs, the staff of PPC Medical have recently announced that they have discovered a condition tentatively named 'Sue-icosis' in several DMS agents who were exposed to excessive amounts of glitter when they strapped dynamite to a particularly nasty Sue.
Sue-icosis' main symptoms are a shortness of breath and an increased sensitivity to fangirl/fanboying. PPC Medical research scientists hypothesise that this may be due to the excess glitter entering the bloodstream and causing increased blood levels of crash-tackle inducing compounds such as lustamine.
While Sue-icosis is not thought to be fatal, it represent a serious threat to Assassins on general duty, and may be the cause of several Assassins becoming Sueified during a recent Mary-Sue outbreak in HQ. (Source: PPC Tabloid "Multiverse Monitor").
Any agents who have had repeated exposure to Sue-dust are strongly advised to report to Medical for a check-up. Should Sueicosis be diagnosed, it is important for the affected Agent to be particularly careful when encountering Sue-dust. Face masks should be used in the case of especially bad Mary Sues, and PPC Standard 1256 (2006) recommends a maximum exposure of 2 Marsus* worth of Sue-dust per week to avoid the onset of Sueicosis (* The Marsu is the unit of Sue exposure, defined as the amount of glitter resulting from a Mary Sue being completely reduced to powder)
Many of HQ's best researchers are hard at work on a cure, and we are pleased to announce that Agent Entropy of ESAS has successfully synthesised a version of Anti-Lustin that can be taken by an aerosol spray similar to asthma medication. The Anti-Lustin may help to reduce the levels of lustamine in the agent's body, but will not reduce the accumulated glitter in the agent's lungs. Research is continuing into this area, and we hope to announce a breakthrough very soon.
The Echinacea, Medical Research Officer, PPC Headquarters.
(Thanks to Elcalion.)
What Really Happens in RC 4952!
Senior DOGA Agent Dafydd Illian and his new 'lover', Constance Sims, have apparently been up to some very strange behaviour in Constance's Responce Centre lately! Agents in the rooms next door mentioned hearing extremely suggestive noises whenever the two were known to be inside.
In addition, the tall, handsome Elf from the Pyro Department and the dark-haired DMS babe have been seen spending extraordinary amounts of time with each other, walking to and from various offices, the cafeteria, and, most shockingly of all, the showers!
According to one Agent, who wishes to remain anonymous, "There were these kind of giggly noises, feminine, you know...and loads of moany sounds. It was really disturbing, and then there were these thuds. You could hear him laughing with her, only all the other noises made that seem weirder than ever. Like the jingley sounds." This sounds extremely suspicious to us!
Asked for more details, the Agent confided, "Well, I saw them going down to the cafeteria afterwards, and their clothes and hair were all over the place...like they'd been rolling around, you know?" Why would Constannt and Daffy have been rolling around in her Response Centre? They certainly weren't on a mission! What do you think? Send us your ideas on a postcard! (Again.)
Agent Steve, upon application of Verasitum, revealed that he saw something "just plain disturbing" when he accidently walked in on the couple last Thursday. "I have no objection to what Con chooses to get up to in her own time, but there are some things you just shouldn't have to see, okay?"
Hopefully, future investigations will reveal more of what they're doing in there...so far, all we can say is 'BDSM'.
To: Agents occupying RC 12/Multiverse Moniter Editors.
I object to being displayed on Page Three. I very much object to being displayed on Page Three.
If this happens again, there will be a great deal of trouble involving you looking for your entrails in a bush. Do I make myself clear?
My partner has vanished. Nobody has so far been able to locate her. They've been trying rather hard for three weeks. (As far as you can measure time in this crazy place.) Does anyone else have any idea what could have happened? There weren't any particularly dangerous 'Sues or monsters on the mission, ansd she seems to have slipped out of reality.
Agent Dragon, DMS.
Send us your letters today! About anything!
Missing Agents -What Aren't Upstairs Telling Us?
Investigations have revealed that no less than sixteen Agents have vanished mysteriously in the last six years.
This may not seem remarkable, but these disappearences are exceptional, and several theories have sprung up around them. Read on, and you may see why...
Here are the facts: None of the Agents was on a mission as per se; they were, instead, there because Intelligence had detected a unique and unusual kind of technology; they were not in any relatively dangerous environment; each was alone; and almost no messanges were sent back to HQ. Only one, Agent Shtatil of Bad Slash, communicated. Her transmission was extremely suspicious! A transcript is below. Read on, and see why it's so...curious.
"No, can't see what we're looking for...hang on..." (Crunching noises, similar to dry leaves.) "Wait....if you focus..." (Thud, as of being hit. Message ends.)
What's going on here? Is it some kind of conspiricy? Why aren't we being told anything? Are the Flowers in on this? Possibly!
The Marquid de Sod, upon being questioned, said, I don't know what you're talking about. Agents vanish all the time. They usually come back. Wait how do you know about this anyway-?
Isn't this odd behaviour? What are they hiding? Send your ideas to RC 12, Multiverse Moniter base, and we'll see what's likely!
~Agent Estelnar Celebduin
and a lot of hacking skills.
(There is no Page Eleven because we have nothing to put on it. Except this.)
Mara Jade, Star Wars universe.
(Tungsten_Monk; she's being very creative.)
PPC: Lost in the Multiverse
Blaring lights...screaming voices...urple blights. Something unthinkable has happened...
The fabled Urple Alert has sounded. Armageddon is upon the PPC.
Join Agents (insert guy name here) and (insert girl's name over here) as they face off against the hordes of Mary-Sues who have suddenly banded together under one banner to fight against those who would oppose them. With cute old school style graphics and plucky dialogue...this game is sure to please anyone who isn't on a mission.
((Yes, those are ALL Mary-Sues.))
The Concoles Vers. 6.something
Bigger is always better. Now equiped with subwoofers to make the entire room shake like in a type 3 earthquake.
The Personal Portable Console/PPC
Say hello to the newest in portable technology known only as the Personal Portable Console...better known as the PPC. It has everything for the PPC agent on the go and nowhere near his/her department. It comes in two colors: steel and chrome and weighs nothing at 2 metric tons. In its stylish black straps and 'compact' size...it can be carried anywhere! (WARNING: Discontinue use if back pain/brain damage/hemorraging/sudden deafness developes.)
(Much gratitude to Keily.)